Internal Issues (Pt1)

Written by Ludmila Barros

I had to kill her. I had to. At least I think I had to. I could not see another way out of that problem. She would had transformed my life into a living hell. There was no other way. But here I am now. Just inside my mind, in this dirty room in this nasty boarding house. I do not regret. I do not understand my acts being something bad. She deserved to die. Many people were happy after hearing about her death. I really mean many people. Including myself. I remember the next day, when that guy from downstairs came to me to say ‘Did hear? Malicia is dead. Police found her body by the river this morning.’, to continue he lower his voice ‘Now we don’t have to pay anything anymore. I mean, her death is sad, but you know…’

I just left him there saying those nonsenses. I was really surprised by the news. I thought that was just a dream. In that horrible dream I did some unbelievable things. I was confused. So I went to where they found her body to make sure it was real. When I arrived I had to lie to the police officers. I said I was an old friend, that I had to make sure it was her. They allowed me to see her. And when I did, I was sure. All that scars in her face, I wanted to throw up. It was her. They only uncovered her head. I did not had to see her whole body to know how it was looking. I had every mark and every bruise printed in the back of my head.

I just left. The officer tried to talk to me. I walked faster. I was afraid of saying something stupid. On the way back home, I just followed the riverside. The house was in the left side. Even though they had found her body stranded at the right side of the river. Looking at the river made me feel sick. Really sick. My sight began to blur. I seat by those low stone walls. I leaned my back there. I was getting better when I turned to throw up. I had nothing in my stomach, so I just stayed there coughing. At one point I saw blood on the floor. I put myself together and continued my walk.

When I finally arrived, that ugly, stupid old man was still sitting in the living room. Some other people were there too. I had to go through them to reach the stairs. ‘Hey, you, you used to fuck her, eh? Did she used that as a payment for the rent?’ he laughed. I wanted to go there to punch him, but I did not. I just went up stairs, back to my room.

I locked the door. I knew those strange people living in the other rooms would came here to tattle about the recent event. They were saying that the police would not even care about solving the crime. They were certain about it - it was a crime. One of the disadvantages of renting a room on the second floor was that I could listen to every chitchat in the living room. And those equally nasty people used to talk loud.

‘I heard one of those pigs saying that it was obvious that was a case of murder!’ said the oldest woman.

‘I also hear the Inspector saying this case would give them too much of a headache, so it was better to set it as a suicide!’ said another old lady.

‘Y’all act like you’d care about Lady Malicia. Y’all happy that she is dead now. Soon her old dying father will be dead as well.’ said that same old stupid man.

And everyone shut up. The silence was comforting, until I realize the mess my head was.

‘Hi, babe!’

I heard Malicia’s voice behind me. My heart froze and I could not breathe. I slowly looked back. I saw her, sitting by the window, smoking her peculiar cigarette. She was smiling at me.

‘Come on, Frank! Aren’t you happy I’m here?’ she put the cigarette in her lips again. ‘I know you are! Did you missed me?’ she laughed looking at my face.

I was feeling my stomach hurting again. The only thing I was able to do was staring at her. Stuck to my bed. I could not even stand up. She kept her eyes on my all the time, but she turned to look by the window. Her hair was shining, as always. The white smoke coming from her cigarette was sharp. I knew she was looking to the river.

‘I always loved this view to the river, it’s so pretty. Even more from the roof, uh!’ she was lovely, smiling kindly, ‘How many nights have we spent in that roof?’ she said softly.

But I remained quiet. Her face was turning red, her once fond appearance, now was the translation to her rage.

‘SAY SOMETHING!’ she shouted. ‘Stand up like a man. Don’t be a coward! Talk to me!’

I gathered together all my strength and stood up. I took some steps closer. As I blinked, her face was coming and going, from deformation and scars to her white snow glowing skin. I stopped before getting too near. She started to smile again. And the glitch ceased.

‘I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.’ these words just came out of my mouth.

‘Sorry for what, babe? You know why I came.’ she stood up and came to me. ‘I needed to say something, I think I’ve never said it before.’ she touched my cheek. ‘I love you, Frank. I really do. I enjoyed every night we spent together. And you? Did you?’

I touched her body, before answering. I felt the curves of her body. Her hips, waist, chest, neck and arms. Such a soft skin, and the silk red dress she used to wear all the time.

‘I love you too, Mali. If only I could spend one more night with you. But I want you every night for the rest of my life.’

‘Do you think it was Franklin?’ I heard a woman from downstairs saying in a lower voice, just in the back on my head.

‘You’re so sweet, babe’ and Malicia kissed me. I felt like crying when she put her lips against mine. I holded her tight.

‘It’s still morning, but I’m not against spending some time together during the daylight.’ she said so close I could feel her breath.

When I woke up. I stayed laying in my bed. I could feel my clothes wet. I did not know what was happening. I searched in my room, but I was alone again. She left me there. I looked the other way, just to realize the day was gone. The sun was already setting. Through the window I could see that mixture of yellow, red, purple and black from the sky. I was having a hard time to get up. That was when I heard her voice again.

‘You know you have work to do, uh?’, I did not spend much time trying to find her. She was standing by the door. ‘Get up, my lazy babe! Or our little game was too much for you?’

I could feel her eyes looking at my entire body. Her look made me realize I was naked. But it was true. I did had some work to do before the night really falls. I got up and put some pants. I seat by the chair when I reached my desk. She followed me. Touched my chest. Her hands were warm.

‘Don’t worry. I won’t bother you. I’ll just stay in your bed, waiting for you to came back.’, she kissed my cheek and I was too afraid to look back to check if she was still there.

My desk was covered by papers. I had the Russian book in the right and a mountain of paper with my translations in the left. My typewriter was in front of me. That shade of black was annoying me for a long time. It was high time to buy another one. All was missing was money enough. It was not important, I had to start. I placed another paper in the typewriter. And started analysing the next paragraph. When I had the idea of studying Russian, I thought I would be paid a lot money translating Russian books to English. Later, life showed me I was wrong. Little did I know few are really interested in their literature around here. Or in paying to have it translated.

This one I was working on was written by Pushkin. The first author well-known. After the first paragraph I looked behind my shoulder. She was there in the bed. The story was, mostly, about the Pugachev’s Rebellion. Through the mirror, I saw her still lying down there. The book was called The Captain’s Daughter. I heard noises from the bed. The book was short, yet filled with History. When I finished that lonely page, it was really dark outside.

I looked at my watch and it was already dinner time. Even though I was still quite sick, I decided to join the others on dinner, to eat something. I stood by her in the bed. She looked at me and called me with two fingers. I fought with my inner feelings and I succeed in ignoring her. I went downstairs. I was considerably hungry, I knew I was going to throw up, but I went anyway. As I was getting near the dining room, I could hear a hodgepodge of voices.

‘This dinner is so delicious, Maria. You’ve really outdone yourself this time.’ one voice said and the others agreed in unison.

By the time I entered the room, everybody stopped talking and the room was deadly silent.

‘Good evening.’ I greeted them and the reply was a mix of incomprehensible noises.

I grabbed a plate and went to the huge and tall pan. I opened it and a odd smell came from that stew, I could see an orange and yellow broth, with some vegetables and pieces of meat floating in a thick layer of fat. It was definitely not cooked in that day. I could not fight the hunger coming from my stomach. So I served some in my plate and went to seat in the only available chair in there. I putted the first spoon filled with stew in my mouth. I was edible and that was enough. But when I looked up again, I saw her. I choked and started coughing. She was standing by the door I came from. Everybody looked at me, but I calmed myself quickly.

‘Come down sweetheart.’ Malicia said.

‘Come down, mate!’ said the ugly guy.

I just answered ‘Sorry’ and continued eating. Then they continued their conversation.

‘As I was saying before, Olivia, the Inspector just asked the basics from me.’ Olivia was the oldest woman, she was just muttering. ‘I just told him what everybody knows.’

‘I’m pretty sure you know more than what you said.’ Olivia replied grumpy and quickly.

‘Nonsense, Olivia, I told him Malicia was taking care of this house in behalf of her dying father, poor Mr. Jones.’

‘Did you said the ridiculous amount of money she used to make us pay for nasty rooms? Because I sure did!’ the ugly man interrupted.

‘I didn’t feel the necessity! I told him I all knew about her. But I’m certain I’m not the one who knew her intimately.’

I could feel all those eyes staring at me. Everyone, even those who were not actively participating in the conversation.

‘Did the Inspector interrogate you, Franklin?’ the ugly man asked me roughly. ‘Because, you know, I had to tell him that you and Lady Malicia were… you know, more than friends.’

‘You don’t know that, actually, none of you know.’ I stopped eating to answer. ‘These are just rumours y’all started yourselves.’

They shut up.

‘Oh, babe, don’t dishonor me. Compromise with our relationship, tell them all you love me. And I love you.’ Malicia said, but when I looked at her, she was not there anymore.

‘Sorry, mate. But you’re probably the main suspect. I mean, by the way the Inspector implied, I know nothing indeed.’ he finished.

I was already feeling my stomach rejecting the food by the time I finished. All reamined in silence after the last ugly man’s line. I left my plate in the table and hurried upstairs, back to my room. I entered and locked the door again. I went to see myself in the mirror and my skin was pale. I was really feeling sick again, so I laid in my bed. I may have fell asleep because the next thing I remember was the knocks on my door. I recovered my senses and went to the door. When I opened it, I saw a man dressed in a police officer uniform and in the background I could only hear people talking nonstop.

‘May I help you sir?’ I said.

‘Yes, you’re Franklin Patterson, right?’ I shook my head in affirmation. ‘My name is Carter and I’m a police Inspector. ‘ he said showing his badge. ‘And I’m here to ask you some questions regarding to Miss Malicia’s death.’

‘Ok, no problem.’ I stood in the same place, in shook, waiting for him to continue talking.

‘Sir, can I come in?’ he said looking at my disoriented face.

I shook my head in affirmation again and invited him in.