It Does Not Matter (Pt2)

Written by Ludmila Barros

I just stayed there, looking at the bruise. I asked if they had warned any adult there, he told me he was too embarrassed that he asked Melissa not to tell anyone either. He also begged me not to talk to the principal, or to his father, or anyone. I agreed. He was able to cover that with makeup, even though I let him skip some classes. He had dinner in his room the whole week so his father could not notice. Just by the time the bruise disappeared, he received a letter from the University he wanted to go. He got accepted. We celebrated going out to dinner. That night, he shared more news than that.

He opened up about his situation to his father. I remember that dinner very well. He started by saying that Melissa was never his girlfriend for real. That they did that so their classmates stopped messing with him. While he was telling all that I was able to feel the anger boiling up in my husband. He was quiet, yet, he was devastated inside.

‘I’m a girl, and I know that now. I was never a boy. I’ve never felt comfortable within this body. I hated every time I had to look myself in the mirror. So I decided not to take it anymore. By the time I move to my dorm in College I’ll start being myself.’ that was his monologue, I listened carefully, amazed by his courage, but also afraid of it.

‘And what ‘being myself’ means?’, his father broke the silence just to ask that.

‘I’m going to be a girl.’

‘And what does that means?’, he raised his voice, ‘You’re going to wear a dress? Put on makeup? Are you cutting it off?

‘If I have to.’

‘If I have to?’, he repeated, ‘If I have to?’, he was dazed, ‘You know everything, eh? You know the world and everything in it, right? You’re so sure of everything, I envy you and your conviction. I’ve gone through all my life accepting that I know nothing about this, about human life and the nature of God. But I look at you right now and…’ , he did not finish.

We ate all the food and left, without saying one more word. His father went to our room and locked himself in there. I went to Jason’s room before following my husband.

‘Do you remember that old story about when they got your sex wrong in the exams?’, he nodded his head yes. ‘I never told you something. I had already chosen a name for you. I mean, a girl name.’, his eyes lit up.

‘Which name?’

‘Jessica.’

The day we drove him with all his boxes to his new home was a deadly silence. All the three of us stayed in that car just speaking the necessary words, nothing more, nothing less, just the essential. I was utterly excited and proud of having my only baby going to a good College. My kid was following his dream of studying numbers, mathematics, physics and all those things I had never understood in school. If I were to say something about my kid was that he loved to study. He could spend hours reading a book or studying in the computer.

We helped him set up everything he needed. All the documents and all his belongings in his private dorm. His father made sure he had a private one. I was not sure why, and, actually, it did not matter to me. From the moment we arrived, my husband stayed away the most part of the time, it was sad, but it got me closer to my baby. We were chatting like girl friends, laughing and discovering things together. By the time we finished everything, his father just gave him a hug and wished him ‘good luck in this new adventure!’ and walked to the car. But I stayed there for a little bit more.

‘I’ll miss you, mom. I’ll really miss you. I’m excited for this new… chapter? But I’ll miss talking to you everyday.’ he hugged me tightly.

‘It’s obvious that I’ll miss you more, Jason!’, in the moment I said ‘Jason’, he grabbed me by my shoulders and replied.

‘Not Jason, not anymore. Please. Call me Jessica for now on, ok?’

‘Anything that makes you happy, Jess.’, she hugged me again.

We kept texting each other every now and then. During the dinners alone with my husband I started calling her by the new name: Jessica. After some time he did not bother anymore. Everything was settling down, he began accepting Jessica’s situation. I had always said that distance increases love. He even started searching about it and learning all the hormones she could take and the social issues about the matter. I was extremely proud of my husband again. He came back on being the man I fell in love with. Then Thanksgiving arrived, sooner than I could realize. I made sure Jessica was coming and I cooked a great meal for the three of us. Anyhow, I was not expecting the amount of surprises that day was holding.

The atmosphere was not the lightest, but it was enough for us to talk nicely. About everything. Jessica stayed hours telling how things were different in College. People would never bother her for wearing skirt or dresses. She told me later, privately in the kitchen, that she decided on the last minute to come ‘as a boy’ to not upset her father.

‘You’d be surprised by how much your father has… grown.’, I just said that while washing the dishes.

Then we gathered in the living room. We had just sat in the couch when he started talking.

‘I gotta tell something and I’m going to seize the opportunity of having both of you here.’, my husband was serious. ‘I’m leaving the church, I mean, the position of minister.’

‘Why? You love it so much.’ Jessica was not only as surprised as me.

He hesitated, but eventually spoke up.

‘Some people from the congregation found out about you.’, at this moment I felt like I was not in the conversation anymore. They were having their moment to undo any misunderstanding. ‘They asked for explanations about it. About how I could let something like this happen in my own house.’

‘I’m so sorry, dad. I didn’t want to cause any trouble, I mean…’

‘But I told them that my daughter couldn’t be a shame for me, that my daughter's happiness was more important than anything else. I told them that I love you and I’ll support every decision you make.’ he laughed softly, ‘They got mad and said that if this was my final opinion, for the good of all, I should resign from my position.’

Jessica was already crying when he finished. She went to him and sat on the floor, holding his legs. She looked up and the next two sentences made me the happiest mother alive.

‘You called me ‘daughter’?’

‘That’s what you are, isn’t it? The exam was right all along, Jessica. You were always my little girl all along.’

I can recall that moment every time I get sad. When that weekend was over we had a warm goodbye. I was already demanding her to come back for the holidays, but she was going to travel with some friends from College. So I was making plans for the Easter. I wanted to have my daughter close, the more the better. Her father agreed ‘So Easter it is!’

Easter never came. By the end of March we were told that our daughter was beaten up to death in a cold Thursday night. After some random fraternity party. At the funeral I got to meet her first boyfriend. He told me what happened. They were to have a exam the next morning, so they decided not to stay so late in that party. So they left earlier than the rest of the people. They went walking to her building, he was just going to drop her in her dorm. He seemed to be a very respectful boy.

But just one block away from her building a group of men approached them. In the first moment they were just shouting some random offenses. He told that Jessica got angry, but they did not say anything back. They both were really scared. The street was completely empty, so they started walking a bit faster. Her boyfriend was crying deeply in the moment he started describing those men next actions. The group got angered because they were running away from them, so one of them got mad and ran to beat Jessica. They beated him too, but the mad one did not stopped at all. The rest of the group had to take him of her already dead body. They ran away. The police did not caught any man.

My daughter was killed by a group of men just because she was dressed like a girl.